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So here's the simplified version: chatted up three guys; one wants romance, one just wants NSA (no strings attached), and the last one advertised as NSA, but now wants romance. I feel like the thing to do is just have first dates with both, then politely dump the one I feel less connected too.
But I feel like I'm still a sleaze.
My ex and I started chatting on OKCupid in February, and had our first date at the end of the month. Suffice to say, it went well, so I asked him out again. Second date ended with us making out in my car, and me having to force him out so I could go to a concert (bought the tickets months before we met). On our third date, middle of March, I asked if we were officially dating, to which he said that he changed his OKC status to "seeing someone" two days before because he felt it should be "official," and he deleted his account shortly after that. I followed soon after.
By the middle of April, we were very close, having texted nonstop for days, meeting with friends, became "Facebook official", starting to have penetrative sex, etc.
He also told me he loved me.
He put me on his 24Hour gym membership, and bought $1800 worth of personal training sessions for both of us. He told me he wanted to move in with me when I graduated college in December, and went to Ikea to find a new bed (he opted for the gym membership instead). He told me things about him he felt uncomfortable telling others.
I went to Church with him, and told him we could always do that (and I'm very staunchly anti-religious, and he knows it). I told him an embarrassing secret that I had wanted to keep exclusively between myself and the other people involved, simply because I wanted to be honest with him.
(I think the secret might have been a mistake and might be why he started drifting away because he admitted thinking he might break up with me over it, but he hasn't brought it up since).
He met my family, and both my aunt and mom stated that he was very obviously
happy with me, and I was with him.
He helped me through the stress of a family member dying, and some other shit that went down that left me super depressed.
There was nothing out of the ordinary as far as I could tell far into the middle of June.
In the middle of June, he bailed on me for a date because he had to work on personal papers. I was upset, but he had been talking about this for a while, so I thought nothing of it, especially since he already stated his backup plan for the following Friday.
That entire week, we were still happy, and texting and talking, and he bought tickets for a show and dinner for the next Friday, and made plans for attending a funeral the following week. His final text was him assuring me that he loved me.
He showed up to my place that Friday, and after some quick cordials, he simply said "I'm breaking up with you."
Apparently the real reason he bailed on me the previous week was because one of his friends manipulated him into sleeping with him, and that he couldn't handle the guilt. He felt that he didn't deserve me, and that I needed to date someone who isn't so manipulatable.
Suffice to say, I was shocked and devastated. I started crying, punch him in the stomach (twice), told him to leave, and ended up falling asleep from the shock. I tried texting him, but he stated he felt bad, so he didn't want to. He still ended up going to the theater event, which he was invited to by the guy who coerced him into sleeping with him. Another friend later stated nothing was out of the ordinary that day.
I fell into a deep depression, and lost all motivation for anything. Work was the only thing that kept me going.
For the next two weeks, we texted sporadically, and he seemed to content to simply ignore me on the day of my family member's funeral when I completely felt like shit.
He finally sent me email:
Sorry I’m sending this to you via email as opposed to waiting until tomorrow or via text. The thing is, I’m afraid of conflict, always have been, and I usually avoid it by lying, whether by lying via omission, or the regular.
First of all, love doesn’t exist. Its just something we tell our children and something we all strive for based on all the popular fairy tales and movies. I’m not talking about parental love, I’m talking about the romantic love crap that’s been crammed down our throats since before we could walk.
Now I know for a fact that what you were feeling initially was infatuation. I’ve read a lot of self-help books and a lot of them talk about the initial high right when you meet someone, that never lasts, and then we are back to feeling grudging acceptance or annoyance and then we try and get that high back by meeting someone else, hence the phrase “in-love.”
Here’s the part that’s really going to hurt you. Up until two weeks ago I was telling myself, ,Okay Billy (Billy’s my [Home Stat]e name, the name I associate with my past, for example if I ever meet a girl who I’m interested in and is interested in me back in terms of getting married, having kids, moving back to [home] I would call myself Billy, I’ve been thinking about giving Billy another go to be honest but I’m not going back on okCupid or anything else for at least another two weeks) Chris my initial phase of infatuation has worn off but I can do this, I can see myself being with JBH007 the rest of my life, I know there are some things I can’t particulary stand, but let’s be honest, do you really think you can do better? You really want to be alone the rest of your life?
Now as to what happened two weeks ago. The gameplan was to finish all of my Mom’s estate stuff that day, catch up with Joe, then in my mind just pick you up for a hangout at his place since I didn’t really want to spend the night at your’s. Joe knows me well enough to know how manipulable I am, especially if I really don’t want to do something, or just to avoid conflict. (I honestly didn’t want to spend the night since I wanted to finish my Mom’s estate that Sunday). I’m not going to go into the details about pushing the line, but I will say that Joe is damn good at pushing my limits in terms of stuff that I normally would be disgusted at and possibly disgusted at myself for following through later.
Now to hurt you even more and villianize myself and Joe. Joe had every intention of fucking me that night and he never did anything without my consent, its all about pushing my limits. Especially since he was my first which meant that its hardwired into my brain so that nobody will every smell better, taste better, or even fuck better than him. I've never had crack but I'm guessing its the same reaction, especially since I know that he has no interest in me romantically and I've already let him fuck me a few more times since then. If I could do it all over again, I still would repeat my same mistake because I would have still cheated on you the first time and would still feel guilty even with a groundhog day reboot.
Anyway text me if you need any help with moving, that’s one thing I am good for.
Love (see how easy it is to just type something just because you know it will make someone happy?, lord knows I’ve been doing that my whole life, its standard social ediquite. When people ask you how youre doing they never truly want to know, they’re just making conversation)
I had already decided to talk face to face, and still accepted his help to move stuff to my new place.
He was very cold and distant when he showed up, and extremely unemotional. He seemed to genuinely feel bad when I gave him back some gifts he gave me though.
He also had some advice for me as well:
Repress my emotions.
Apparently that's the only way he can deal with things, and he said it helped him get through his mother's death. He literally has to bottle them up and ignore them. I was furious and hurting, and got in his face about it (I wasn't mean, just forward), trying not to cry hysterically.
He ultimately realized I was right, and literally broke down in front of me an started crying his eyes out. He said he felt worthless and undeserving of any happiness, and I did what any caring friend would do and assured him that he did deserve happiness. He should continue on the path he's on and become a better person. I didn't bring up my anger about certain things, but I told him about how the friend manipulating him needs to be cut off, and about how I think he has severe self-esteem issues that cause him to be self-destructive.
We both walked out feeling better, like we could be friends (although the sexual tension was strong enough to make us about to start fucking, we weren't going to fall into that trap).
FYI, he claimed that his therapist said the same things I did about his emotions.
Later, I talked to one of his friends, who stated my ex never mentioned anything about the break up and he only heard about it later, was his usual self emotionally, and that he still was chumming up with the guy who manipulated him and they were still having sex.
I sent him an email a couple days ago, because I was feeling angry again asking if I did anything to push him towards Joe and if he really did care about me. He assured me that he did care about me, and that I was wrong to think this stuff, and how sorry he was that he wasn't there for me after the funeral. I felt good after that, and he invited me to a few parties with his friends because he thinks I need to socialize more (I'm not the most social person, and he constantly told me that he is actually very anti-social and he has to force himself to interact with others in any sort of situation, whereas I just don't actively seek out every social event imaginable).
I still had sneaking suspicions, and remembered something he said about using the same password for everything. He already gave me his Netflix login info, so I tried it on Facebook (probably the most assholish thing anyone can do, but I felt hurt and betrayed by him).
What I ended up seeing on there pissed me off to the point where I was about to punch my computer screen.
I ended up walking into the middle of a conversation where he constantly complained about how I was moving to quickly, and was making him uncomfortable, and how I was bad at sex and that I disgusted him sexually, and that he thought it was a mistake from the get go, and that he had wanted out of it for a while so he was lying and making excuses not to see me at all. Nothing about his cheating, and nothing about his breakdown and repressive nature.
I don't know what to believe anymore, but all I know is that he's a lying motherfucker who will bad mouth me to no end behind my back instead of actually telling me his real feelings. There were others where he mentioned similar sentiments.
He NEVER mentioned ANY of this shit me with. In fact he appeared to have the opposite sentiments to these so-called problems. Either he's lying to make himself feel better and feed the other guy, or he lied to me our entire relationship.
He is right to say that he deserves to be unhappy. I want to scream at him and beat his ass for betraying me so deeply. How fucking dare he lead me on for months
telling me he loved me, and still claim he cares very deeply for me.
I want him to suffer for the pain and lying he's done. He has to be emotionally unstable to pull this shit (and my family who took a deep liking to him now think he's just a miserable unstable asshole who manipulated me). He assured me that he would always be honest, but now I think he never was. Did he lie about the nature of the cheating? Was he the real manipulator? Did he really care for me? Did he LOVE ME?!
I blocked him from Facebook, telling him not to fuck up his life this badly again and demanded back the items I gifted to him.
I tried texting and emailing him today, and I could theoretically go to the event he's at since I was invited and am on the guest list, but I do not want to blow up at him.
How do I talk to him, and get him to talk to me without causing all out war?
Also: he also once told me (in what I guess was a moment of weakness), that he still does not support same-sex marriage for religious reasons, and that he still bases his opinion of himself on when his Southern Baptist mother told him that the only thing worse than him bringing home a black woman was for him to bring home a man. tl;dr: Pissed off at ex for lying to me / badmouthing issues he had that he never told me about, ignoring me now, how do I reach out with screaming at him?
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